Group your instant messaging buddies by race!

I've been struggling for quite some time now to figure out the optimal categorization for my instant messaging buddies. Struggle no longer! I am now pleased to announce the perfect buddy list, THE BUDDY LIST ORGANIZED BY RACE!!!!

This new system will make your chats sooooo legit! Check this out, if you ever want to find out where the best chicken is, shiettttt.... YOU GOTTA HIT UP IN THE INDIANS!!!! I've never seen a race consume more chicken tikka masala and vindalooooo yo!

If you want to find out who that rappper is that spit some sick lyrics about applebottom jeans. Who do you ask? Shietttt.... YOU GOTTA ASK THE ASIANS! Why you might ask? It's a well known fact that 95% of asians illegally download their music. So of course they have searched for that artist before yo!

This new categorization will change the way chatting is done, forever! OH SHIETTTT, I'm late for my date with an asian shorty!!! Let me hit up my WHITE FOLK to find out what places asian girls like....peaceeeeeee!

Bathroom thoughts taken from some anonymous twitter account

*thoughts while in the bathroom of a questionable establishment (chronological order)

xxxxxxxxxx: god i wish toilet water absorbed movement as well as those foam mattresses that won't topple a glass of red wine
xxxxxxxxxx: on phone: "oh that, that's just the faucet"
xxxxxxxxxx: why the hell did this random fool take the stall right next to me? does he really think we're friends?
xxxxxxxxxx: ok I better behave myself since he'll recognize my shoes
xxxxxxxxxx: *looking at bathroom graffiti
xxxxxxxxxx: haha, ______ is going to get so many calls
xxxxxxxxxx: hold on a sec here.... how could he possibly know???
xxxxxxxxxx: whoever wrote this is, is damn profound!
xxxxxxxxxx: ok, let's get out of here before the waiter thinks i left without paying
xxxxxxxxxx: crumple? fold?
xxxxxxxxxx: surface area/efficiency theory? or get out here quick theory? the latter.
xxxxxxxxxx: boy i could have used some chipotle away...
xxxxxxxxxx: *post bathroom antics
xxxxxxxxxx: time for round 2

Why people are always late for lunch: situation / analysis / learnings

Before I begin, I must say that I'm guilty of making the unfashionably late entrance from time to time.

Situation:
This is how it all begins. You arrive at a lunch spot on time and you're the only one there. . . You're asking yourself, "WTF, why am I the only one here?" "is this some kind of joke?" Then you habitually go on to fidget with your phone, hoping, just hoping that someone has sent you a random text message. Anyways, no one likes being the lone wolf, it sucks BADLY. Almost as bad as someone responding maybe, yes, I hope my sentiment resonates with YOU people out there.

Analysis:
Then it becomes a viscous cycle of tardiness. Next lunch meeting, you intentionally leave a few minutes later just to avoid the awkward "I'm the only one here at this 6 person table how do I make myself look busy" moment. Meeting times get later and later, 10 mins late.... 15 mins....30 mins wtf???

Learnings:
This is why I've made it a practice to leave for lunch only after one of your other lunch mates sign off or go away/idle on IM. Only then can you be certain that others will arrive when you do. I'm almost embarrassed to even point out what could be common knowledge on best practices for leaving to lunch. But it must be known to one and everyone, similar to how guys should NEVER use emoticons.

/end random rant of shamelessness

What if my boss saw this on my screen...

Scenario: your friend just told you about some killer pr0nz, but you didn't know what pr0nz meant so you looked it up on urban dictionary. Just as you are reading pr0nz used in a sentence, "Dude this website has some killer pr0nz, you gotta check it out!" your boss walks by.

Result 1: Boss sees "pr0nz" on your screen in huge bold letters, pauses, and asks you, "Dude, hook it up!!!"

Result 2: Boss totally ignores "pr0nz" in huge bold letters because he/she doesn't know what it means and then asks you to define it

Result 3: Boss responds, "why are you looking up pr0nz? We run teh internets you should know the meaning." Shortly after, the boss asks you to look up origins of "teh internets" on urban dictonary

Which result would you most prefer?

things you shouldn't do when your hand is broke

I recently broke my hand due to some unforeseen circumstances. Below are the adventures that I embarked on before going to the doctor. Some told me I was an idiot, others said I was hardcore, you can be the judge.

1. Dance on a stripper pole, I must add that it's all upper body and lower leg muscles
2. Take a 3 hr boat ride on the Bay with drunks
3. Tell people, "it's going to get better tomorrow" for 3 consecutive days
4. Self-diagnose yourself because you've seen every episode of House
5. Write a blog post about what you shouldn't do with a broken hand

have a good night

the absolute worst experiences in life are:

1. getting a rookie Benihana chef that can't do tricks
2. when people respond w/ maybe to an invite(check previous post)
3. having girl(s) tell you, "you don't know how to talk to girls"
4. having the piss drunk bday girl say, "who the f### are you????"

it's a cruel, cruel world out there

wtf does "maybe" mean?

Me: do you want to hang out with me tonight?
Friend: maybe...
Me: (in my head) WTF KIND OF RESPONSE IS THAT??? am i not the hot shit?

Yes folks, when people respond with "maybe," does that not just make you want to walk up to them and whack them with a baton? These days I judge people based on their maybe %, just sayin. The maybe % is defined as the % of time the respondent will flake. When she says maybe, 95% of the time it means no. Him, well he's 65%. In an ideal world, I would require people to include the maybe % whenever they respond with such a bs response.

For example:
Me: do you want to hang out with me tonight?
Friend: maybe 45%
Me: (in my head) you're a damn fool for not hanging out with me, time to fire up WoW...

That's much better.